F>RIOE Sa CENTS 




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THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 



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Successful Rural Plays 

A Strong List From Which to Select Your 
Next Play 

FARM FOLKS. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubes. For five male and six female characters. Time 
of playing, two hours and a half. One simple exterior, two 
easy interior scenes. Costumes, modern. Flora Goodwin, a 
farmer's daughter, is engaged to Philip Burleigh, a young New 
Yorker, Philips mother wants him to marry a society woman, 
and by falsehoods makes Flora believe Philip does not love her. 
Dave Weston, who wants Flora himself, helps the deception by 
intercepting a letter from Philip to Flora. She agrees to marry 
Dave, but on the eve of their marriage Dave confesses, Philip 
learns the truth, and he and Flora are reunited. It is a simple 
plot, but full of speeches and situations that sway an audience 
alternately to tears and to laughter. 

HOME TIES. A Rural Play in Four Acts, by Arthur 
Lewis Tubes. Characters, four male, five female. Plays two 
hours and a half. Scene, a simple interior — same for all four 
acts. Costumes, modern. One of the strongest plays Mr. Tubbs 
has written, Martin Winn's wife left him when his daughter 
Ruth was a baby. Harold Vincent, the nephew and adopted son 
of the man who has wronged Martin, makes love to Ruth Winn. 
She is also loved by Len Everett, a prosperous young farmer. 
When Martin discovers who Harold is, he orders him to leave 
Ruth. Harold, who does not love sincerely, yields. Ruth dis- 
covers she loves Len, but thinks she has lost him also. Then 
he comes back, and Ruth finds her happiness. 

THE OLD NE^JV HAMPSHIRE HOME. A New 

England Drama in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For seven 
males and four females. Time, two hours and a half. Costumes, 
modern. A play with a strong heart interest and pathos, yet rich 
in humor. Easy to act and very effective. A rural drama of 
the "Old Homstead" and "Way Down East" type. Two ex- 
terior scenes, one interior, all easy to set. Full of strong sit- 
uations and delightfully humorous passages. The kind of a play 
everybody understands and likes. 

THE OLD DAIRY HOMESTEAD. A Rural Comedy 
in Three Acts, by Frank Dumont. For five males and four 
females. Time, two hours. Rural costumes. Scenes rural ex- 
terior and interior. An adventurer obtains a large sum of money 
from a farm house through the intimidation of the farmer's 
niece, whose husband he claims to be. Her escapes from the 
wiles of the villain and his female accomplice are both starting 
and novel. 

A WHITE MOUNTAIN BOY. A Strong Melodrama in 
Five Acts, by Charles Townsend. For seven males and four 
females, and three supers. Time, two hours and twenty minutes. 
One exterior, three interiors. Costumes easy. The hero, a 
country lad, twice saves the life of a banker's daughter, which 
results in their betrothal. A scoundrelly clerk has the banker 
in his power, but the White Mountain boy finds a way to check- 
mate his schemes, saves the banker, and wins the girl. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



The Day Express 



A Farce in Three Scenes 



By 

JOHN M. GILBERT 

Author of '* In the Air'' 




PHILADELPHIA 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

1922 



P5S5I3 



Copyright 1922 by The Penn Publishing Company 



The Day Express 



©CI.D 600V9 

FEB 24 1922 



The Day Express 



CHARACTERS 

Nicholas Noall Clerk in Information Bureau 

Mrs Carry A. Stone a lady with much luggage 

Seth Greenly a farmer 

Mr. Earl Y. Wedd on a honeymoon 

Mrs. Earl Y. Wedd also on a honeymoon 

Miss Rose Budd a once-younger lady 

Stephen Stepahead a railroad conductor 

Willie Sweet who sells candies and magazines 

Waitress. 

Time. — One hour. 



STORY OF THE PLAY 

The action centers about a group of people— a 
widow, a farmer, two newlyweds, an old maid, a con- 
ductor and a newsboy— whose day trip on the train is 
followed from station to terminal. The widow snares 
the farmer ; the old maid catches the conductor and the 
newsboy becomes an adopted son. The clerk m the 
Information Bureau and the waitress, although only 
appearing in one scene, are two very important char- 
acters. 



The Day Express 



SCENE I 

THE STATION AT MORNINGTOWN 

(Window in rear wall, open, with sign over it, "In- 
formation Bureau." Nicholas Noall seen in- 
side window, sorting time-tables, etc. In front, on 
end of a bench, sits Mrs. Stone, surrounded with 
baggage.) 

Mrs. Stone {rising and lugging basket with her, 
goes to window). You're sure I haven't missed my 
train ? I don't see how it come that I've had to wait 
so long. 

Nicholas {politely). You arrived an hour too 
early, madam. The Day Express is due in twenty 
minutes. ( Whistles. ) 

Mrs. Stone {sets down basket, fumbles in hand-bag 
and produces crumpled ticket). Say, are you sure this 
is good yet? It's a return ticket good for six days, 
and I've hed it since last fall, but I've only used it one 
day — you see the trip was only that long. 

Nicholas {examines ticket). Well, madam, I 
hardly think you can travel on that at this late date. 

Mrs. Stone. You needn't trifle with me, young 
man. I've never expected to travel on a ticket. I al- 
ways take the train. 

Nicholas. Perhaps you'd better take this to the 
ticket-agent. {Points off stage to R.) 

Mrs. Stone. Humph ! I thought you were shut 
up in that window because you knew everything. 
Seems you don't. {Taking basket, hurries off stage.) 



6 THE DAY EXPRESS 

(Seth Greenly enters from l. c.) 

Seth Greenly. This city life is too hurried for my 
taste! I'm all het up! {Wipes brow.) And now I 
don't know whether I'm on time. {Looks at sign over 
window.) Wall ! I allers thought a bureau was a chest 
of drawers I Seems I hed to come to town to find out 
it was a man in a winder. Somethin' like a Punch and 
Judy show. {Approaches window.) Say, Mr. Punch, 
am I in time ? 

Nicholas. In time for breakfast? Yes — you'll 
find it at the lunch counter. 

Seth. No sass fer me, young feller! Fm goin' 
home. Is the train gone? 

Nicholas. Some have gone and some haven't come 
yet. Which way are you going ? East or West ? 

Seth. When I was younger that ther Horace Gree- 
ley said ** Go West, young man ! " but bein' no longer 
as young as I was, I'm goin' East to-day. 

{While Seth and Nicholas talk, enter Mr. and Mrs. 
Wedd, arm in arm, with a suit-case tied with white 
ribbon; walk slowly back and forth, talking together 
in low tones.) 

Nicholas. The first train went east two hours ago 
— the last train goes east twelve hours from now — 
there's another one in about ten minutes. 

Seth. Waal, that'll suit me, I expect. Do you al- 
low smoking here? 

Nicholas. This is the ladies' room; you may 
smoke on the platform. 

{Exit Seth.) 

(Mr. and Mrs. Wedd approach.) 

Mr. Wedd. What Is the price of a chair in the 
drawing-room car? 

Nicholas. How far are you going? 

Mrs. Wedd {excitedly). Don't tell him, Earlie! 

Mr. Wedd. Why, my dear ? 



THE DAY EXPRESS *J 

Mrs. Wedd. Why, nobody must know whert; we 
are going on oiu" wedding trip ! 

Nicholas. Perhaps your ticket would help me to 
answer. 

Mrs. Wedd (seimng Wedd's hand as he starts to put 
it into his pocket). Don't show it to him, Earlie ! 

Mr. Wedd. How shall I find out the price of a 
chair ? 

Mrs. Wedd. Why, say to the man, Suppose I were 
going to Knightsburg, what would be the cost ? 

Mr. Wedd {to Nicholas). Suppose I started for 
Knightsburg, how much would you ask? 

Nicholas. One-fifty each. Do you want two? 

Mr. Wedd. No, one will do. 

Nicholas. Going alone? 

Mrs. Wedd. Indeed he is not! We go together, 
but those chairs are so roomy 

Mr. Wedd. And the arms are so broad. 

Mrs. Wedd. And we're so used to sitting in one 
chair 

Mr. Wedd. Or rather, she's so used to sitting on 
my lap. 

Mrs. Wedd. Oh ! Earlie, we've given ourselves 
away. He'll just know we're a bride and groom. 

Mr. Wedd. Well, I don't know about that. It's not 
so wonderful for two people to occupy one seat — it's 
the common way of sitting in a day coach. 

Mrs. Wedd. But you said something more than 
that. You said I had been sitting in your lap. 

Mr. Wedd. Pshaw — there's nothing in that! He 
often sat in his mother's lap, and how does he know 
that I'm not your father? 

Mrs. Wedd. Well, you scarcely look it. Didn't 
you tell the minister you were just twenty-two? 

Mr. Wedd. He doesn't know that. {To Nicholas.) 
Never mind, I think we'll take the coach. 

{Exit Mr. and Mrs. Wedd.) 

(Nicholas closes information windozv. Mrs. Stone 
returns and begins sorting and arranging luggage.) 



S THE DAY EXPRESS 

{Enter Miss Rose Budd, carrying a basket, supposed 
to contain a pet cat, which she puts down.) 

Miss Budd. Why, Mrs. Stone, are you travelling 
to-day ? I hope we're going on the same train ? 

Mrs. Stone. Well, Rosie, you don't say you're 
riskin' your life on the cars too ? 

Miss Budd. Oh, yes; I'm going to visit my sis- 



ter 

Mrs. Stone. Well, I've been visitni' mnie, and, 
land sakes, but I'll be glad to get this baggage at home 
again. And I tell you, Rosie Budd, it'll be some time 
before it travels again. (Counts pieces.) One-two- 
three- four- five-six-seven — I declare I^ can't remember 
whether I started with seven or eight. (Sees Miss 
Budd with cat basket.) Oh, there's the other. That's 
the basket I lost ! 

Miss Budd. Why, that's my dear pussy ! 

Mrs. Stone. I guess I know my own baskets, Miss 
Budd. 

Miss Budd. You don't seem to know it, Mr^. 
Stone. 

Mrs. Stone (going to basket and lifting it). It's 
certainly mine. I could tell it by the weight. 

Miss Budd (taking hold of the other side). It's 
certainly mine, and my poor pussy can prove it ! 

Mrs. Stone. Don't talk to me about cats — they're 
well enough for old maids, but it's too much to have 
one planted in my good basket, and I'll soon take it out. 
(Puts hand into basket, while Miss Budd tries to pre- 
vent her. Suddenly zvithdraws hand with shriek.) 
The beast has scratched me. Take your old basket. 
Mine was a new one, after all, and I guess I left it 
outside. (Exit hastily.) 

Miss Budd (speaks soothingly into basket). Poor, 
dear Cupid ! Darling love ! Did the cruel v/oman 
hurt my precious kitty ? Served her right that she was 
scratched, didn't it? 

Willie Sweet (crosses stage with basket, calling). 
Get your candy, oranges, apples, sandwiches before 
the train leaves. 



THE DAY EXPRESS 9 

Stephen Stepahead (crosses stage, calling). Day 
Express' due in five minutes — all chief stations between 
here and Knightsburg. 

A^iss BuDD (looks up). Oh, horror! the informa- 
tion man has gone. (Running after Stephen.) 
Wait, wait ! Are you the conductor ? I want a com- 
fortable place for my dear pussy in the parlor car. 

Stephen (returning). I'm not the conductor, 
ma'am, but I can tell you they won't let a cat in the 
parlor car ! 

Miss Budd. Won't let him in? Why, he sleeps in 
the parlor at home. He's used to the parlor. He sits 
beside me on the parlor sofa every evening. 

Stephen. Well, it's against the rules. He ought 
to go in the baggage car, but I might smuggle him into 
the smoker ! 

Miss Budd. Oh, what shall I do ! He's so dainty, 
so refined ! He hates smoke, and he would be so un- 
happy without me. (Weeps.) 

Stephen (coming closer to her). Oh, don't take 
on so ! Think of the favors he's had all along, sitting 
beside you so much. He might be willing to let some 
one else have a chance sometime ! 

Miss Budd (drying her eyes). Oh, you dreadful 
man! 

Stephen. Let me put him in the smoker, and I'll 
show you to a seat in the coach where I'm calling out 
stations, and we'll see whether anyone else would like 
his job. 

Miss Budd. Poor pussy! How can I let you go? 

Willie (returns, calling). Get your candy, or- 
anges, apples, sandwiches and magazines before the 
train starts! (Holding out box.) Candy, ma'am? 

Stephen. Here, boy ! (Hands him a quarter and 
takes box; then to Miss Budd.) "Sweets to the 
sweet," I've always heard was the proper thing. 

(Hands candy to her.) 

Miss Budd (faking it zvith pretended reluctance). 
Oh, you ought not to! 



10 THE DAY EXPRESS 

Stephen {suddenly recollects official position). 
Day Express for Knightsburg and intermediate points. 
All aboard ! 

{Snatches up cat-basket. Miss Budd clutches his arm 
and they are hurrying out, when Mrs. Stone enters 
hastily and breathlessly, almost running into them.) 

Mrs. Stone. Oh, I shall be left. {To Stephen.) 
Young man, be good enough to help with this baggage ! 

{Hastily begins to gather up seven pieces.) 

Stephen. Beg pardon, ma'am, my hands are full ! 
Mrs. Stone. Full ? Oh, that old cat ! 
Miss Budd. Oh ! how insulting she is ! 

{Exit Miss Budd and Stephen.) 

Willie {returns; calling as before). Get your 
candy, oranges, sandwiches and magazines before the 
train starts ! 

Mrs. Stone {excitedly). Boy — boy — drop them 
sweets and help me out ! 

(Mrs. Stone and Willie collect baggage and hurry 
from stage, as Stephen's voice is heard from the 
outside calling, "All aboard 1 ") 



SCENE II 

the lunch counter at eatonville 

{Lunch counter across stage. Waitress behind 
counter.) 

Waitress. It's nearly time for the Day Express. 
She's a little late to-day. The telegraph operator told 
me she'd be twenty minutes behind, because it took so 



THE DAY EXPRESS II 

long to get the baggage aboard at Morningtown. The 
operator up there's a friend of his, and tells him all 
sorts of things over the wire. Why, the other day he 
wired the longest rigmarole about a time they'd been 

having up there. It seems that a {Bell rings 

loudly.) My! how that startled me. That's the tram 
and it's only three minutes behind after all. 

(Enter with a rush Mr. and Mrs. Wedd, Seth 
Greenly, Mrs. Stone, Miss Budd, Stephen and 
Willie. All try to find seats. Mrs. Stone gets 
between Miss Budd and Stephen. Willie gets 
hetzueen Mr. and Mrs. Wedd.) 

Willie. My ! This is Sandwitchtown, I'd say ! 
Mr. Wedd. Would you mind changing seats with 

me ? 

Willie. Thanks! I'm very comfortable. Don't 

believe I'll trouble. 

Mrs. Wedd. Won't you change with me ? 

Willie. Well, I'd do a great deal more than that 
to oblige a lady, but I'm satisfied to be near this piece 

of pie ! 

Mr. Wedd {impatiently). Move, boy! Time is 

short! . 

Willie. Guess it's as long for you as it is for me ! 

Mrs. Wedd {impatiently). I'm very near falling 
off this high stool ! 

Mr. Wedd {hastily leaves his place and stands next 
her, putting his arm around her). Is that more com- 
fortable, darling? 

Mrs. Wedd. It does make me feel a little firmer, 
dear. 

Stephen {to Mrs. Stone). I'm sorry to trouble 
you to move, ma'am. 

Mrs. Stone. What's the matter? 

Stephen. Don't be alarmed! It was only as a 
matter of precaution 

Mrs. Stone. Precaution? What's the matter? 

Stephen. Never mind, ma'am, I guess it will hold 
you — ^but it's rather shaky. 



12 THE DAY EXPRESS 

Mrs. Stone. Shaky! What's shaky? 

Stephen (to Seth). Could you hand me that 
water pitcher? 

Seth. Certainly, but I suspect this is what they call 
milk. (Pours out whitish fluid in glass.) 

Mrs. Stone. What's shaky? 

Stephen (to Seth). Thanks. So it's milk, is it? 

(Lifts glass.) 

Mrs. Stone (insistently nudging his arm). What's 
shaky? (Spills some milk.) 

Stephen. Well, ma'am, I didn't intend this for a 
milk shake, but you did, I guess. 

Mrs. Stone. Don't trifle with me, young man. 
What's shaky? 

Stephen. Only your stool, ma'am. I noticed it 
seemed to have onl}^ three legs 

Mrs. Stone (jumping down). Mercy! Why didn't 
you tell me before? I might 'a' broke my neck. 

Stephen (slips across to stool just vacated, bring- 
ing him next to Miss Budd). Take my stool, ma'am. 
I'll risk this one! (Turns to Miss Budd.) 

Mrs. Stone (examining legs of stool). Well, of all 
designing creatures ! There ain't a thing the matter 
with them legs. (Climbs on stool next to Seth.) 

Seth. Waiter, have you any apple pie? 

(Waitress sets down small piece on plate.) 

Mrs. Stone. Poor man ! 

Seth. Waiter, please pass the cheese. 

(Waitress does so.) 

Mrs. Stone. Poor man ! 

Seth. Did you address me, ma'am? 

Mrs. Stone. I was only feeling sorry for you, 
when I looked at that pie and cheese — and thought 

Seth. What was you thinking, ma'am? 

Mrs. Stone. Only that I wish you could taste some 
of my apple pie— and then you'd realize what pie is ! 



THE DAY EXPRESS IJ 

Seth. I wish I might hev the pleasure, ma'am, but 
travelhn' doesn't present faciUties for bakin' en root. 

Mrs. Stone. No; travelHn's pretty poor business, 
I'm thinkin', and if I once get home to-night — if once 
I can see the hghts of Knightsburg shining • 

Willie. It's the third time I've said pass the 
cheese. 

Mrs. Stone (frowning at Willie). If once more 
I could see the lights 

Willie. Fourth call, please pass the bread. 

Mrs. Stone. As I was saying, if once more I might 
see 

Willie. If you could see the butter, ma'am, you'd 
be in a way of obliging me. 

Mrs. Stone. If I was your ma, young man, and 
could see a switch, there'd be less shouting and more 
manners, I'm thinking. 

Seth. The boys of to-day have fallen off sadly, I 
fear. Now when I was young 

(Goes on in low-toned conversation with Mrs. Stone.) 

Mr. Wedd. My dear ! You're not going to eat any 
more sweets I hope! You'll surely be ill 

Mrs. Wedd. Why, Earlie, I want that Charlotte 
Russe 

Willie. Please pass the pickles ! 

Mr. Wedd. I'm sure it's wiser not to eat too many 
sweets while travelling. 

Mrs. Wedd (playfully). Oh, Earlie! It's plain to 
be seen you don't understand girls. Why, I just live on 
sweet things. (Eats Charlotte Russe.) 

Willie. May I say pickles again ? 

Seth. Did I hear someone say pickles ? 

Willie. You've heard someone say pickles several 
times, and there don't seem any more chance of getting 
'em than there was before I said it. 

Mrs. Stone. Here's the Worcestershire sauce. 
Won't that do? (Willie takes sauce.) 

Miss Budd (to Stephen). And dear Pussy is quite 
comfortable, you think ? 



14 THE DAY EXPRESS 

Stephen. Certainly. When I come through the 
smoker I always find him asleep. 

Miss Budd. I've missed him terribly, but it's been 
some comfort seeing you so often. 

Seth (to Mrs. Stone). You were speakin' of pie 
a while ago, ma'am. Do you bake often ? 

Mrs. Stone. Twice a week. 

Seth. Then your husband's a lucky man ! 

Mrs. Stone (tragically). My husband! My hus- 
band ! Why, he's been dead and gone for fifteen 



years 



Seth (interestedly). You don't say? Why do you 
bake so often? 

Mrs. Stone. Just to keep my hand in — in case — in 
case — there'd ever be someone else come along who'd 
care for pie ! 

Seth. I love pie! 

Mrs. Stone. Does your wife bake often? 

Seth. My wife! Madam, I have never seen her. 

Mrs. Stone. Good gracious! What's the matter 
with her? 

Seth. I mean I never married. 

Mrs. Stone. Well, they do say, it*s never too late 
to mend. 

Seth. Are you fond of mending? 

Mrs. Stone. Well, not particularly. 

Seth (hastily gets off stool and goes out, saying). 
My ! I've put my foot in it ! 

Mrs. Stone (excitedly). The man must be taken 
sick — I must look after him. 

(Gets down and goes out leaving basket.) 

Mrs. Wedd. Is it time for the train to start, Earlie? 

Mr. Wedd. Not yet, Birdie. 

Mrs. Wedd. I would so like some ice-cream. 

Mr. Wedd. Why, my dear, you haven't really eaten 
any dinner at all — only 

Mrs. Wedd ( play f idly tries to put her hand over his 
mouth). Don't say how many Charlotte Russe I've 
eaten — I'm sure it isn't more than three. 



THE DAY EXPRESS 1 5 

Waitress. Five, ma'am. 

Mrs. Wedd. Impossible! Don't be imperti- 
nent. 

Waitress. It isn't impertinent that I am, but I'm 
accountable, ma'am, for the food, ma'am, and there 
was six Charlottes, ma'am, on that plate, and now 
there's only one, ma'am. 

Mrs. Wedd (indignantly to husband). Earlie 
Wedd, why don't you say something ? Why don't you 
defend me? 

Mr. Wedd. Why, I didn't count the Char- 
lottes. 

Mrs. Wedd. Why don't you say that you may have 
eaten two? 

Mr. Wedd. But Vm sure I haven't — I haven't 
eaten one. 

Mrs. Wedd. Are you sure? Couldn't you have 
been so absorbed in me that you ate them without 
thinking of them ? 

Mr. Wedd (slowly). No! I don't believe that 
was possible. 

Mrs. Wedd (sarcastically). I see! You might be 
so much absorbed in eating that you forgot me, but 
you couldn't be so absorbed in me that you forgot 
what you were eating ! How like a man ! After that, 
I don't even care for the ice-cream ! 

(Gets down and goes out much offended.) 

Mr. Wedd (to Waitress). Were there really six 
Charlottes ? 

Waitress. There was six, sir, and the lady eat 
five, sir! 

Mr. Wedd. Well, say no more about it. Here's 
the money ! 

(Exit hastily.) 

Willie (to Waitress). It's plain, the ways of love 
ain't smooth ! The old man put his foot in it, and the 
young one put his foot in it. (Points to Stephen 



l6 tHE DAY EXPkESS 

talking with Miss Budd.) 1 wonder what this one 
will do? 

Waitress. When the time comes you may do no 
better yourself. Some girls are mighty sensitive and 
some boys are mighty thoughtless. 

Willie. You wouldn't take offense at any little 
thing like that ! 

Waitress. Well, guess I might take offense at 
any little thing like you. So there ! 

Willie (to audience). Did I get my foot in then? 
Well I guess ! 

{Jumps down and exit.) 

Miss Budd. There's something fascinating about a 
railroad Ivmch ! 

Stephen. You don't seem to have eaten 
much. 

Miss Budd. Oh, I've eaten a great deal. Why, 
when I'm alone, you know, I just nibble a cookie. 

Stephen. Are you often alone? 

Miss Budd (pathetically). Well, you see, I'm the 
only one left at home now. My sisters are all married. 
Cupid and I keep house together. 

Stephen (explosively). Cupid? 

Miss Budd. Why, yes, Cupid! Poor dear boy! 
He's my greatest comfort. 

Stephen. So you're not really alone! 

Miss Budd. Well — not exactly ! But then, I'm 
really lonely, so it's about the same thing. 

Stephen. What? Doesn't the boy stay about the 
place? 

Miss Budd. The boy? What boy? 

Stephen. Why, the " dear boy," you spoke of. I 
can't believe his name is Cupid, but that's what you 
called him. 

Miss Budd. You dear man! You didn't suppose 
Cupid was a boy ! Why, he's only my precious cat ! 

Stephen. C)h ! So you're alone, except for the 
cat! 

Miss Budd. Yes, I'm alone! 



THE DAY EXPRESS 1 7 

Stephen. I hate to think of you in that way. 

Miss Budd. Why do you think of nie at all ? 

Stephen. I can't help it ! I've been thinking of 
you all day, and the more I think of you the more I 
want to think of }ou, and the more I want you to 
think of me ! 

{Bell rings loudly; both jump from stools.) 

Willie (rushes across stage calling). Get your 
candies, oranges, sandwiches and magazines before the 
train starts ! 

Stephen. If it wasn't for that bell and that boy 
I'd forget my job. 

Miss Budd. But you wouldn't forget me, would 
you? 

(Stephen puts his arm about her as they hurry out.) 

Waitress (clearing up counter). There's nothing 
like experience in love! (Suddenly begins throming 
kisses toivard door and waving a napkin.) Good-bye, 
Willie 1 Good-bye 1 I'll look for you to-morrow ! 



SCENE III 
the terminal 

Evening. Railroad station at Knight sburg. A bench. 

(Enter Mr. and Mrs. Wedd zvith suit-case still tied 
with ivhite ribbon. Mrs. Wedd has smelling salts in 
hand. Sinks on the bench.) 

Mrs. Wedd. Oh ! how my head aches ! ( Uses 
smelling salts.) I hate travelling. Just look at my 
clothes ! This dust is fearful ! 

Mr. Wedd. Let me brush you off, darling! 



iS THE DAY EXPRESS 

(Opens suit-case and takes out wh'isk'hrpom.) 

Mrs. Wedd. Oh, it doesn't make much difference. 
Fm only an old married woman now, so no one will 
care! 

Mr. Wedd. How can you talk so ! 

{Brushes her shoulders carefully.) 

Mrs. Wedd {jerking away). Do give me that suit- 
case, Mr. Wedd. {He places it beside her ; she hastily 
begins to untie ribbon.) What fools we are to go 
about labelled in this way! 

{Flings ribbon under bench.) 

Mr. Wedd (soothingly continues brushing). Well, 
we're safely at the end of our journey and we'll soon 
have a good supper. 

Mrs. Wedd. Oh, don't talk to me about eating. 
I don't believe a man thinks of anything else. 

Mr. Wedd. Why, I'm thinking of you, every min- 
ute, and I thought some supper would make you feel 
better. 

Mrs. Wedd. I couldn't eat a thing! Why don't 
you call a cab, and get away from this old station? 

Mr. Wedd. I didn't want to leave you while you 
felt so badly, but I'll go at once. 

{Exit Mr. Wedd. Mrs. Wedd leans back using salts.) 

Willie {enters; looks ctmously at Mrs. Wedd). 

" Needles and pins ! Needles and pins ! 
When a man marries, his trouble begins ! ** 

This afternoon hasn't straightened out their aflfairs 
very much I guess ! I wonder how the others got along. 

(Exit,) 

Mrs. Wedd. Oh, that tiresome boy! (Calls.) 
Mr. Wedd! Mr. Wedd! EarHe! Where are you? 



THE DAY EXPRESS I9 

(Leans back again, closing eyes.) 

Mr. Wedd (outsi'de). Coming, Birdie, as soon as I 
can get the cab ! 

(Enter Seth Greenly mith Mrs. Stone's baggage, 
which he sets down; seats himself on bench, fanning 
with hat.) 

Seth. My! that's warm work! 

Mrs. Wedd (eyes still closed not raising head). I'm 
so glad you've come, dear. I'm sorry I was so cross, 
but my head aches so. There isn't any one here, is 
there? Just let me lie on your shoulder a minute! 
(With eyes still closed, moves nearer Seth, who looks 
at her in amazement. ) Why don't you say something, 
Earlie dear ? Aren't you glad to have me beside you ? 

(Puts head on his shoidder. Seth bewildered sits 
stiffly. One enter from each side, Mr. Wedd and 
Mrs. Stone, carrying her basket.) 

Mr. Wedd. Thunder! 
Mrs. Stone. Mercy! 
Mrs. Wedd. Oh! Somebody's coming! 

(Opens eyes, and sits erect.) 

Seth. This is extremely awkward ! 

Mr. Wedd and Mrs. Stone (together). Awkward! 

Mrs. Wedd (rises quickly, going to Mr. Wedd, 
looks wildly at Seth). How did you come there? 
Oh, Earlie, Earlie, why did you ever leave me? 

(Weeps.) 

Mr. Wedd. How dare you, sir, take advantage of 
my absence to pay attention to my wife? 

Mrs. Stone. Perfidious man ! 

Seth (to Mr. Wedd). No cause for alarm, neigh- 
bor! 

Mr. Wedd. That depends upon how you look at 
it. 

Mrs. Stone. I guess I've got something to say 
about it, too ! 



20 THE DAY EXPRESS 

Seth (still sitting). I ain't telling ta,les on any- 
body, I ain't taking advantage of anybody. I'm wiliin' 
to explain if you'll listen, and I'm just as willin' if 
you won't listen, only if you won't listen it won't do 
you much good, whatever I say 

Mrs. Wedd. Oh, let us get away from here. It's 
all a terrible mistake ! Come over to the corner, Earlie, 
and I'll tell you all I know about it! 

(Draws him to one side and talks in low tones, wiping 
her eyes.) 

Mrs. Stone. Seth Greenly, you follow her ex- 
ample and come over to the other corner, and tell me 
all that you know about it ! 

(Takes him hy buttonhole and leads him to opposite 
corner; they converse in low tones.) 

(Enter Miss Budd and Stephen, disheveled.) 

Miss Budd (anxiously). Here pussy! Here 
pussy!- Come Cupid! 

Stephen. I've been under the seats and over the 
seats, and through the cars and under the cars, and I 
can't find a sign of that cat ! 

Miss Budd. Oh, he can't be very far away. Do 
come out to look again. You know there's no hurry. 
The train doesn't go any farther! Poor dear Cupid! 
He must be so frightened to be away from me ! 

Stephen. I don't believe there's any use of look- 
ing any longer. Perhaps he got off the train at some 
station up the road. 

Miss Budd. Oh, why didn't I take better care of 
him? I'm afraid I let my thoughts wander too far 
from him — but I can't ever forgive myself if he's lost 
or hurt. Come, we must look again ! 

( Exenn t hurriedly. ) 

Willie (enters). Well, there seems to be sm-t of 
an understanding between these two couples ! (Spies 



THE DAY EXPRESS 21 

ribbon under bench, and proceeds to tie it on Mrs. 
Stone's basket.) Calm after the storm, I'd call it. 
Well, it's good to have somebody care for you ! Those 
other two are hunting the cat, and I'm the only lonely 
one left. 

(Mr. and Mrs. Wedd smilingly go out arm in arm.) 

Mrs. Stone (turns smilingly from Seth). I knew 
it would be all right. (Spies ribbon.) Oh, Sethy! 
It's a good omen ! ( To Willie. ) Did you put that 
on? You're a dear little boy! (Embraces him.) 

Seth (to Willie). Yes. You're a likely lad! 
Where do you live? 

Willie. Oh, nowhere in particular — I just board! 

Mrs. Stone. Ain't you got any home? 

Willie. No ma'am, I guess I haven't got anything 
you could call by that name. 

Mrs. Stone. Where's your father? 

Willie. He's dead. 

Seth. Where's your mother? 

Willie. She's dead. 

Seth. Got any brothers and sisters? 

Willie. Say, Mister, don't go on that way. It's 
no use reminding a fellow how lonely he is. He knows 
it all right, but he doesn't want to have it rubbed in 
too hard. 

Mrs. Stone. You poor, dear little soul! Do you 
like pie? 

Willie. Well, now, that's a more cheerful ques- 
tion. Do I Hke pie ? Well, I guess ! 

Mrs. Stone. Seth Greenly, the boy likes pie. I 
bake twice a week — and it wouldn't do for you to eat 
too much pastry. I do believe this boy will save your 
life yet. 

Seth. Save my life? 

Mrs. Stone. Certain sure! 

Seth. I didn't know my life was in danger. 

Mrs. Stone. Now you just listen. We're gouig 
to be married day after to-morrow, ain't we? 

Seth. Well, I should sav to-morrow. 



22 THE DAY EXPRESS 

Mrs. Stone. No, you wouldn't, because it's al- 
ways the bride's place to set the day, and I say, the 
day after to-morrow. 

Seth. Why have you postponed it? 

Mrs. Stone. Because I've got to spend to-morrow 
sweeping the house to make it tit for a wedding — and 
I've got to bake, beside, or I never could get in two 
bakings this week. 

Seth. But what's that got to do with the boy sav- 
ing my life? 

Mrs. Stone. Why, he's going to do some of the 
pie eating. 

Willie. Hooray ! 

Seth. That's right! We'll have him up to din- 
ner 

Mrs. Stone. Up to dinner, indeed! 

Seth. Well, that is — that is — we'll be glad to send 
him a piece of pie 

Mrs. Stone. Send him a piece of pie ! Now you 
just listen to me, and perhaps you'll get something 
into your head. Come here, Willie. (Willie goes.) 
Now, Willie, I don't want you ever again to say you 
haven't got any home. 

Willie. Don't you want me to tell the truth? 

Mrs. Stone. From now on it won't be the truth, 
for you've got a home, if you want to live in it, and 
it's my house. So there ! 

Willie. Say, ma'am, you'd better quit your fool- 
ing — for you can't really mean that ! 

Mrs. Stone. But I do mean it. You've got a 
house, and you've got a mother — that's me — and day 
after to-morrow you'll have a father — and that's Mr. 
Greenly over there ! 

Willie. Hbnest? And you bake twice a week? 
Say, if it's true, what'll my name be? 

Mrs. Stone. To-day and to-morrow your name's 
Willie Stone, and after the wedding I s'pose it will 
be Willie Greenly. 

Seth. Well, Willie, your affairs and mine seem 
to be arranged pretty well, don't they? 



THE DAY EXPRESS 



23 



Willie. Well, I guess ! I started out this morning 
just plain Willie Sweet, without a home, or anyone 
belonging to me — and now I've got everything at once 
— that is everything except a father, and he's on the 
way ! Hooray ! Hooray ! 

(Seth, Willie and Mrs. Stone sit on bench as if 
talking together.) 

{Enter Miss Budd and Steppen.) 

Miss Budd. I think that boy must have frightened 
poor Cupid by shouting so ! 

Stephen. No, I think Cupid found he'd done all 
his duty, and so he's gone to sit on some other girl's 
parlor sofa. We shan't need him for company, you 
know. 

Miss Budd. But until the wedding, you know, it 
will be terribly lonesome for me without him. 

Stephen. Until the wedding? You mean until 
day after to-morrow? 

Miss Budd. Yes. . It seems a long lonely time, 
with Cupid gone, and without you, too. 

Stephen. What a change the Day Express has 
made for us, Rosie dear ! 

Miss Budd {glancing toward bench). And for 
some other people, too, I should say. 

Stephen. It's a fine train — makes few stops, and 
gets over the ground pretty fast. 

Miss Budd. Yes, it makes good time. We've had 
a good time, haven't we? 

Stephen. Yes. All except looking for Cupid. 

Miss Budd. I'll never forget how you looked, as 
you crawled out from under the car, and said, *' Can't 
you take me instead of the cat? " I don't believe many 
men liave proposed in that way, do you? 

Stephen. No, I don't, and I don't believe they'd 
want to. But it was worth crawling under the car to 
hear you say, " Indeed I will take you, but let's try to 
find tiie cat, too ! " 

Miss Budd. And now, the day after to-morrow 
we'll be ready for our wedding trip ! 



24 



THE DAY EXPRESS 



{Enter Mr. and Mrs. Wedd.) 

Mr. Wedd. There doesn't seem to be a single 
stopping place in the whole town. There's a conven- 
tion of barbers' clerks, and they've filled the hotel. 
I'm sure I don't know where we shall go. 

Mrs. Wedd. Even the station seems to be crowded. 

Mr. Wedd. Why, these are all our fellow travellers 
on the Day Express ! 

Mrs. Stone {coming forward). I've got Mr. 
Greenly's plans arranged, and Willie's all fixed. Let 
me see if I can do something for you. 

Miss Budd. Why, it's Mrs. Stone! 

Mrs. Stone. It is, and day after to-morrow I'll 
be Mrs. Greenly. 

Miss Budd. You dear old thing ! Why, day after 
to-morrow I'll be Mrs. Stepahead. {They embrace.) 

Mrs. Stone {to Mrs. Wedd). I guess you've al- 
ready changed your name — and being so fresh from 
your wedding you might give us some points on ours. 
Suppose you all come up to my. house. I've got room 
enough there, if my boy Willie don't mind sleeping 
in the attic for once 

Willie. Never mind the attic. " There's no place 
like home ! " 

Mr. and Mrs. Wedd. How can we thank you? 

Miss Budd. I shan't miss poor, dear Cupid, now ! 

Stephen. It's mighty kind of you, ma'am, and 
I'm sure I'll accept the invitation with thanks. 

Seth. It's kind, is it? Well, it's nothing more 
than you'd expect from a woman who'd keep on bak- 
ing twice a week for fifteen years so as to be ready for 
the man who likes pie ! 

Mrs. Stone. Well, well, now it's all settled just 
bring along your baggage. Come, Willie ! It's wel- 
come home to all and good-bye to the Day Express. 

curtain 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
Your Next Program 

GRADUATION DAY AT WOOD HILL SCHOOL. 

An Entertainment in Two Acts, by Ward Macauley. For six 
males and four females, with several minor parts. Time of 
playing, two hours. Modern costumes. Simple interior scenes i 
may be presented in a hall without scenery. The unusual com- 
bination of a real "entertainment," including music, recitations, 
etc., with an interesting love story. The graduation exercises 
include short speeches, recitations, songs, funny interruptions, 
and a comical speech by a country school trustee. 

EXAMINATION DAY AT WOOD HILL SCHOOL. 

An Entertainment in One Act, by Ward Macauley. Eight maU 
and six female characters, with minor parts. Plays one hour. 
Scene, an easy interior, or may be given without scenery. Cos- 
tumes, modern. Miss Marks, the teacher, refuses to marry a 
trustee, who threatens to discharge her. The examination in- 
cludes recitations and songs, and brings out many funny answers 
to questions. At the close Robert Coleman, an old lover, claims 
the teacher. Very easy and very effective. 

BACK TO THE COUNTRY STORE. A Rural Enter- 
tainment in Three Acts, by Ward Macauley. For four male 
and five female characters, with some supers. Time, two hours. 
Two scenes, both easy interiors. Can be played effectively with- 
out scenery. Costumes, modern. All the principal parts are 
sure hits. Quigley Higginbotham, known as "Quig," a clerk in 
a country store, aspires to be a great author or singer and 
decides to try his fortunes in New York, The last scene is in 
Quig's home. He returns a failure but is offered a partnership 
in the country store. He pops the question in the midst of a 
surprise party given in his honor. Easy to do and very funny. 

THE DISTRICT CONVENTION. A Farcical Sketch 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. For eleven males and one 
female, or twelve males. Any number of other parts or super- 
numeraries may be added. Plays forty-five minutes. No special 
(scenery is required, and the costumes and properties are all 
easy. The play shows an uproarious political nominating con- 
vention. The climax comes when a woman's rights cham- 
pion, captures the convention. There is a great chance to bur- 
lesque modern politics and to work in local gags. Every 
part will make a hit. 

SI SLOCUM'S COUNTRY STORE. An Entertainment 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. Eleven male and five female 
characters with supernumeraries. Several parts maylae doubled. 
Plays one hour. Interior scene, or may be played without set 
scenery. Costumes, modern. The rehearsal for an entertain- 
ment in the village church gives plenty of opportunity for 
specialty work. A very jolly entertainment of the sort adapted 
to almost any place or occasion. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

^HILADEIJPHIA 



Unusually Good Entertainments 

Read One or More of These Before Deciding on 
Your Next Program 

A SURPRISE PARTY AT BRINKLEY'S. An En- 
tertainment in One Scene, by Ward Macauley. Seven male and 
seven female characters. Interior scene, or may be given with- 
out scenery. Costumes, modern. Time, one hour. By the 
author of the popular successes, "Graduation Day at Wood Hill 
School," "Back to the Country Store," etc. The villagers have 
planned a birthday surprise party for Mary Brinkley, recently 
graduated from college. They all join in jolly games, songs, 
conundrums, etc., and Mary becomes engaged, which surprises 
the surprisers. The entertainment is a sure success. 

JONES VS. JINKS. A Mock Trial in One Act, by 
Edward Mumford. Fifteen male and six female characters, with 
supernumeraries if desired. May be played all male. Many of the 
parts (members of the jury, etc.) are small. Scene, a simple 
interior ; may be played without scenery. Costumes, modern. 
Time of playing, one hour. This mock trial has many novel 
features, unusual characters and quick action. Nearly every 
character has a funny entrance and laughable lines. There are 
many rich parts, and fast fun throughout. 

THE SIGHT-SEEING CAR. A Comedy Sketch in One 
Act, by Ernest M. Gould. For seven males, two females, or 
may be all male. Parts may be doubled, with quick changes, so 
that four persons may play the sketch. Time, forty-five minutes. 
Simple street scene. Costumes, modern. The .superintendent 
of a sight-seeing automobile engages two men to run the 
machine. A Jew, a farmer, a fat lady and other humorous 
characters give them all kinds of trouble. This is a regular gat- 
ling-gun stream of rollicking repartee. 

THE CASE OF SMYTHE VS. SMITH. An Original 

Mock Trial in One Act, by Frank Dumont. Eighteen males 
and two females, or may be all male. Plays about one hour. 
Scene, a county courtroom ; requires no scenery ; may be played 
in an ordinary hall. Costumes, modern. This entertainment is 
nearly perfect of its kind, and a sure success. It can be easily 
produced in any place or on any occasion, and provides almost 
any number of good parts. 

THE OLD MAIDS' ASSOCIATION. A Farcical Enter- 
tainment in One Act, by Louise Latham Wilson. For thirteen 
females and one male. The male part may be played by a 
female, and the number of characters increased to twenty or 
more. Time, forty minutes. The play requires neither scenery 
nor properties, and very little in the way of costumes. Can 
easily be prepared in one or two rehearsals. 

^ BARGAIN DAY AT BLOOMSTEIN'S. A Farcical 

Entertainment in One Act, by Edward Mumford. For five males 
and ten females, with supers. Interior scene. Costumes, mod- 
ern. Time, thirty minutes. The characters and the situations 
which arise from their endeavors to buy and sell make rapid-fire 
fun from start to finish. 

THF J^ENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 



Successful Plays for All Girls 

In Selecting Your Next Play Do Not Overlook This List 

YOUNG DOCTOR DEVINE. A Farce in Two Acts, 
by Mrs. E. J. H. Goodfellow. One of the most popular 
plays for girls. For nine female characters. Time in 
playing, thirty minutes. Scenery, ordinary interior. Mod- 
ern costumes. Girls in a boarding-school, learning that a 
young doctor is coming to vaccinate all the pupils, eagerly con- 
sult each other as to the manner of fascinating the physician. 
When the doctor appears upon the scene the pupils discover that 
the physician is a female practitioner. 

SISTER MASONS. A Burlesque in One Act, by Frank 
DuMONT. For eleven females. Time, thirty minutes. Costumes, 
fantastic gowns, or dominoes. Scene, interior, A grand expose 
of Masonry. Some women profess to learn the secrets of a 
Masonic lodge by hearing their husbands talk in their sleep, 
and they institute a similar organization. 

A COMMANDING POSITION. A Farcical Enter- 
tainment, by Amelia Sanford. For seven female char- 
acters and ten or more other ladies and children. Time, one 
hour. Costumes, modern. Scenes, easy interiors and one street 
scene. Marian Young gets tired living with her aunt, Miss 
Skinflint. She decides to "attain a commanding position." 
Marian tries hospital nursing, college settlement work and 
school teaching, but decides to go back to housework. 

HOW A WOMAN KEEPS A SECRET. A Comedy 
in One Act, by Frank Dumont. For ten female characters. 
Time, half an hour. Scene, an easy interior. Costumes, modern. 
Mabel Sweetly has just become engaged to Harold, but it's "the 
deepest kind of a secret." Before announcing it they must win 
the approval of Harold's uncle, now in Europe, or lose a possible 
ten thousand a year. At a tea Mabel meets her dearest friend. 
Maude sees Mabel has a secret, she coaxes and Mabel tells her. 
But Maude lets out the secret in a few minutes to another 
friend and so the secret travels. 

THE OXFORD AFFAIR. A Comedy in Three Acts, 
by Josephine H. Cobb and Jennie E. Paine. For eight female 
characters. Plays one hour and three-quarters. Scenes, inter^ 
iors at a seaside hotel. Costumes, modern. The action of the 
play is located at a summer resort. Alice Graham, in order to 
chaperon herself, poses as a widow, and Miss Oxford first claims 
her as a sister-in-law, then denounces her. The onerous duties 
of Miss Oxford, who attempts to serve as chaperon to Miss 
Howe and Miss Ashton in the face of many obstacles, furnish 
an evening of rare enjoyment. 

THE PENN PUBLISHING COMPANY 

PHILADELPHIA 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 



The Power of 



H 



Expression and efficiency go hand 015 897 192 
The power of clear and forceful expression brings conli- 
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JThe power of expression leads to: 

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Arc these things worth while? 

They are all successfully taught at The National School oi 
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A catalogue giving full information as to how any of these 
accomplishments may be attained will be sent free on request 

THE NATIONAL SCHOOL OF 
ELOCUTION AND ORATORY 

4012 Chestnut Street Philadelphia 



